*I wrote this post long before election day. The post focuses on how we treat each other generally and is NOT a commentary on the election results.

It seems that for the last year or so, people have been measurably less tolerant of others. I don’t just that we are politically divided; I think the division extends deeper.

It’s in the way things are divided at a community level and the way we interact at an individual level. 

Maybe this happened because divisive language has become socially acceptable at a high level. Maybe COVID helped eliminate some of the inhibitions many of us felt when it came to expressing our opinions, or maybe it is something else entirely. 

Whatever the reason, it seems we are drawing on our instinct to justify our actions by belittling someone else’s. It’s as if our smugness about being right must be shared with others so we can be a little “more” right.

If our gut reaction is to judge someone harshly, it becomes really easy to justify sharing our opinions about their choices and motivations. We seem to feel obligated to share our unsolicited opinions just because we have them and we woke up today.

I realize this post is hypocritical at best, but as someone who needs to write things out to process them, its time to put my jumbled thoughts in writing. 

There is no way to escape the judgment and comments of others. Whatever choice we make is wrong in someone’s eyes. It’s like making dinner for my kids; there is absolutely no way to make all four of them happy with a single meal. 

Humans are programmed to assess situations and classify things and people as safe or unsafe, bad or good, easy or hard. That self-preservation instinct is necessary for the survival of the species.

While making these safety judgments internally may be instinctual, sharing those opinions out loud, online, etc. is not. 

These thoughts and judgments are not necessarily facts, but we are really good at making them seem like it.

How and why we make decisions is based on a myriad of factors. But when we harshly judge others, we simplify this process to the most basic level—our brains say “they think differently than I do, so they are wrong, stupid, evil, etc”. 

Consider just some of the variables at play in the decision-making process. Your upbringing, socioeconomic status, mood, health, education, literacy level, religious affiliation, marital status, race, the current level of hunger or other physical discomforts, current company, social network, and past experiences. 

Add in other factors, like our insecurities, and suddenly, what seemed like fact becomes a bit more murky. 

It’s hard to remember that most people rarely make decisions out of pure malice. I’d like to think the person who cut me off in traffic did it just to tick me off, but when I think about it objectively there may be other reasons for their actions.

Let’s take parenting for a second. Have you ever made a parenting decision based on something other than the best advice from child experts? I have. 

I do it all the time. And why? Life with children is busy. There are so many inputs coming in that my brain says, “Hold the phone, we just have to decide.” 

Facts are thrown out, and decisions are made. 

Could I do worse? Debateable. 

Do I regret my panicked in the moment parenting? Absolutely. 

Does someone pointing out to me that “maybe… you should consider…” help? No, it does not.  

These comments tend to have the opposite effect. They encourage me to shut down, become defensive, and do everything possible to end the situation. 

Is this my problem? Yes, of course it’s my problem. 

The person commenting rarely knows how damaging their words are. But if we look at the bigger picture then we start to see the ripple effects these “helpful” comments are. I don’t improve my behavior, I feel flustered decreasing the likelihood that I will make clear-headed decisions, which puts stress on my child, puts stress on the preschool teacher, which puts stress on her family, and on and on. 

One “helpful” comment can have a massive downstream impact. 

Treating people and their differences with kindness and respect helps facilitate meaningful discussions and productive interactions. 

Does the comment make the situation better? No. 

We can use the same logic for so many situations. Does telling someone they’re wrong about religion or politics lead to the meaningful changes you want? Shockingly, it does not.

Leave people alone in their “wrongness”. 

What you may view as a helpful and even informative comment may not be. 

It may be hurtful, confusing, and demoralizing. 

Does telling someone they are ruining the planet or using extreme language change anyone’s thought process or actions? Probably not. 

But it does help people get defensive and avoid you in the future. 

The same is true when we shame people for believing a certain way. Shaming someone for “clinging to outdated ideas” of religion, marriage, politics, etc. doesn’t change how they think about the issue, but it does change how they think about you.  

Insinuating that someone’s political/parenting/health/food/literary/{insert your favorite thing here}  views are incorrect and that the other person is ill-informed or, better yet, stupid changes few minds. But it is a highly successful strategy for alienating people and further dividing communities. 

Treating people and their differences with kindness and respect helps facilitate meaningful discussions and productive interactions. 

I’m not saying that we must condone every behavior that deviates from our norm or that we should actively encourage behaviors contrary to our belief system. 

Not at all. 

However, there is a big difference between treating people with kindness and respect and encouraging all behavior. 

My choice to believe differently than you doesn’t make me stupid, ill-informed, or wrong; it just means I have a different opinion and I make different choices than you.  

Different is just different. 

Different doesn’t require judgment or comments. It offers all of us an opportunity to practice respect and kindness. 

I understand that my world is insular and that many of the people I interact with share similar views on life in general. 

But that’s not always the case. I love having a conversation with people I can respectfully disagree with. These conversations aren’t begun with the purpose of changing anyone’s mind, but with the intent to respectfully share opinions. 

Sharing our opinions with kindness, compassion, and respect are key to building and maintaining strong relationships. 

We can disagree and kindly, and respectfully share our opinions. This only remains productive when both parties share a mutual respect for one another. As soon as we begin to demonize or dehumanize the other person, the situation deteriorates. 

We can say, “Thanks for sharing your opinion; let’s agree to disagree.” But we cannot pretend that our way of doing things and our normal are the only viable options. 

They’re not. Most people are trying their best. Are they failing a bit? Heck yeah. 

Do they know they are failing? Yes of course. 

Do they need you to tell them? No

I wish we would say “my way is not the only right way. It might be the only right way for me, but I am the only one with the agency to make this decision for myself”, and then just let it be. 

You want your child to eat only mac and cheese and stay up until midnight each night? Go for it. 

You want to vote for Candidate A? Sure. 

You think we need to do XYZ? Let me know how that works for you, but don’t condemn me for believing differently. 

Different is just different. Different is scary and even uncomfortable, but different is ok. Different is interesting, innovative, and how we learn.

Let’s embrace different, let’s practice tolerance and love. 

Let’s listen first and speak later. 

Let’s consider our motivation for sharing our opinion. Are we sharing to justify our own feelings of inadequacy, or is there an immediate safety concern that someone needs to be alerted about (rarely is this the case). 

Let’s consider how and why our differences lead to different decisions. 

Let’s assume everyone is trying their best, and judging them or letting them know their shortcomings doesn’t help them get closer to their best. 

Let’s give ourselves a break. 

Let’s not belittle others because we are unhappy or feel insecure about our decisions. 

Let’s be kind. Sometimes, kindness requires being a little blind and a little deaf. It always requires letting things go, turning the other cheek, and taking a deep breath. 

Kindness is hard—there’s no way around it. But kindness heals communities and brings us closer together regardless of our differences.