I want to be one of those moms who can read parenting advice and smoothly implement the suggestions into daily life. 

I am not that person.

Like not even a tiny bit. 

Every one of these attempts ends in an epic parenting failure. 

I admit it’s probably just me because we are all perfectly imperfect, and some of us are a bit more than others, but I think there might be another layer to these failures. 

Parenting advice makes me incredibly angry. 

I recently listened to part of another parenting book and had to stop; I was so mad, and here’s why. The authors often seem to lack the real-life experience necessary to give me relevant advice. 

If you have 0 children… I’m sorry, but how are you going to really give me advice about getting out of the house with 4 kids without yelling? Dear author, have you ever experienced this chaos? Let alone experience the chaos for months on end? No? Ok then, let’s chat about the “proper” way to motivate children when you’ve done that. 

When we had 0 kids, I was a fabulous mom and a parenting expert. It’s kind of like how before I had kids, I was all about natural childbirth, adorable. 

Our family calendar is pictured here, clearly, someone who needs a color-coded calendar to manage the chaos is not doing breathing exercises. I mean, if we’re honest, the color-coded calendar is probably a sign that I need to do the exercises, but how will I fit that in, and what color would I use to set aside time on the calendar??

Now that we have 4 kids, I’m tired. I’m tired because every single thing is a fight. Stupid things are a fight, and fighting zaps my energy. Did you know I asked my 11-year-old to put his shoes away 16 times between 2 pm and 8 pm? 

I counted. 

16 times. 

What could I have done with that energy if let’s say he had listened after the 8th time? Probably lots. 

I want parenting stories from someone who is exhausted, someone who is covered in someone else’s bodily fluids, someone who has a stupid kid song playing on repeat in their head, and someone whose goal is to raise kids that just don’t go to prison. 

The bar needs to be lower. 

These are my people. 

Until I find those people, I am going to write for my future self. 

My 12th grade English teacher used to say, “Self!” and then proceed to tell us what she told herself. I think I am going to adopt that philosophy. 

Here is my first bit of advice. 

Self! When you find yourself attempting to scrape boogers off the wall… because it WILL happen, stop and rehydrate the snot. 

Yes, that sounds awful, but I have learned from sad experience that this step is vital. 

 Rehydrate the snot and then scrape it off. 

You can’t paint over boogers, I’ve tried, but you have to get them off the wall first. 

I’m sure there is some sciency thing behind why I have to rehydrate the snot cement, but honestly, since I’m scraping snot off my wall, my brain clearly doesn’t function well enough to process that theory. 

This is the parenting advice I’m looking for. If people have parenting advice like this, please share. I don’t need breathing exercises, oh please, I need something much simpler than that. 

Good luck!