Today I left school feeling discouraged. I never love the first day of class, but this one seemed especially disheartening because my introduction spiel was just… boring.

You’d think that since this is my 7th year of college that I would have the introduction speech down, but nope, I draw a blank every single time. 

Here’s the thing, introductions tend to be humble brags. It’s not a bad thing, they’re like your best outfit on a first day, they’re Spanx and a nice dress, they’re small talk, and Chandler’s work laugh.

They’re all the things that make me anxious in one bite-sized package. 

Introductions are your highlight reel, they aren’t sweatpants and free t-shirt moments.

Inevitably I was selected to go first and that did not improve the situation. 

I’m the least qualified person in my cohort, I’m not saying that to make you refute that statement, I am actually the least qualified person in my cohort. I go to school with people who have done some truly AMAZING things.

I can’t introduce myself by listing Brian’s accomplishments, because if we’re honest, many of his have come at the price of mine. I can’t tell them that because I keep the home train on track he’s done some awesome things. Those are his accomplishments.

While intellectually I understand that my priorities have been split, there are still times when it still bums me about to think about what I haven’t done. 

I was driving home thinking what a bummer it was that I hadn’t lived up to my “potential”, I even told a friend how frustrated I was, and then Alexa (bless her electronic heart) played a song that shook me out of my pity party.

If you’ve never driven over a lake when the sun is setting with the radio up, you really need to take a quick drive up to our neck of the woods. You can’t help but be awed and cheered up by the view. Every song lyric seems that much poignant as you watch the sunset on the water. 

The pity party ending song included these lines, yes they’re cheesy, but I’m a sucker for a cheesy song. 

If I’m honest, I’m plagued by the fear that I’m not enough, yeah

So I work hard to measure up

I’ve run a million miles, climbed a mountain high

And felt the same when I was done

Is it the things you’ve done, the places that you’ve been?

Or chasin’ down some dream you’ve been imaginin’

Or is it making peace with who you are and where you stand?

Is it power?

Is it fame?

Is it money?

Is it just a game?

Is it always wanting more?

Or is it in finding peace in what you had all along?

If I had to introduce the “real” me I’d include more than just my job title, work history, and education.

I’d mention some of the smaller things like that I am really good at getting people to the right place at the right time, that I can feed a small army by myself many times a week, that I am really good at buying every supply on the school supply list, that I buy my Christmas presents by Thanksgiving (most years), and that I have awesome train track building skills.

I’d tell them I’m passionate about promoting early childhood literacy by making words and books a natural part of a child’s environment, I’d say that I think access to creative outlets is essential to promote self-expression, and that I think I’ve found a way to create that environment.

I’d tell them that I can keep 4 kids alive and somewhat happy despite a husband that works long hours, that I know how to manage my time so I can get most things done, and that I try to be a loyal and realistic friend.

I’d tell them that I want to be the person other people can rely on in a pinch, someone who doesn’t shy away from hard things and that I really do want world peace (just like Miss Congeniality).

None of those things work in a class introduction.

I won’t tell people that I can’t separate the 4 kids from my research, education, or career because they’re the driving force behind it all.

For now, I’m going to stumble over my words, and I’m going to continue to feel like I could or should have done more, but I am going to try and remind myself that I have done things, not the same things, but still things.

I’m going to try and remember why I’ve put some things on hold in favor of others, and I’m going to embrace what I do have.

I make mean peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich, I can read and discuss Rick Riordan books with the best of the middle school boys, and I do a great job getting carpool to school before the tardy bell rings.

I think for now I can find peace with those accomplishments.