Ok world, we need to have a quick chat. I know this is going to sound catty and whiny, but I’ve reached the moment where I just do not care, and I think I need an explanation.

Why is the most common solution to helping a busy mom to take away some of her responsibilities? Why isn’t the solution to take away some of dad’s responsibilities? I think that by “taking things off her plate”, we actually make her feel less competent, less connected to her community, and less valued. By “helping”, we subtly say “I see that you cannot handle this, and I’m going to help you balance your time correctly.” I’m sure I am reading to much into good intentioned actions, but I every time I hear this I want to scream.

I know I am busy. Seriously, I get it, I am busy. I also know that our family looks like a hot mess everywhere we go (and when we stay home too). I know that things are precariously balanced and that the schedule is tight. Truly I get that. But I don’t need responsibility taken away from me, I need responsibility taken from my husband so I can shift some things to him.

One of the best ways to help moms is to involve dads. This is something that society often forgets and where we hit a cultural barrier. No one looks at my husband and says “I don’t know how you do it all!” They know how he does it all. No one looks at his insane (and it truly is insane) schedule and thinks “WOW, we should probably offload things because you’re way too busy.” They just assume he will be able to balance it all and that if he needs to take on extra responsibility he will find a way to handle it. He does find a way to handle it, but like many families, the way that he is able to fit additional responsibilities into his life is that I take on more. If he needs to stay late at work, go in early, go out of town, spend time on church responsibilities, etc. he doesn’t have to worry that someone is going to pick up the kids, get them fed, or put them to bed. He knows that will be covered. He doesn’t have to ask if that works with the schedule, or juggle things, he doesn’t have to wonder how he is going to get two or three people to fulfill the responsibilities that typically belong to one person, he just says yes, and then takes on the extra responsibilities.

I’m not saying that he makes bad choices. We agreed that his job is more financially beneficial to our family than mine, and he fully admits that his life is possible because I handle the rest, but I am still frustrated by the cultural expectations that say, he can handle “it” and that I need fewer of my own responsbilities to function correctly.

Here’s my suggestion, instead of looking at a tired and overwhelmed mom and asking what you can take from her to “help”, look at her husband. What can be changed in his schedule so he has more time to parent his children. I think it would be empowering for some women to go fulfill responsibilities outside their homes while dad stays home with the kids and runs them to activities, feeds them dinner, and gets them ready for church.

It’s time to stop looking at balancing family life as mom’s problem, and instead looking at maintaining the balance as a family responsibliity. It is ok if dad misses a meeting, comes home from work early to take kids to baseball, and is the one in charge of getting everyone off to church. I promise IT IS OK. Letting mom go and stretch her wings, interact with people outside her home, and contribute to her community will benefit EVERYONE. You cannot begin to believe how smart, talented, and creative these moms can be when they are given the chance to shine.