Very rarely do I have clear answers to my prayers. I think it’s probably because I am terrible listener. Maybe I get answers all the time but since I’ve filled my life with so much chaos and noise I can’t hear the answers. Since clear answers come so infrequently, I have to write it down so I can remember that yes, answers do come. And that answers can come to seemingly insignificant questions.

I am currently pregnant with my 4th child. Let me just say this journey is a bit different than child #1 a decade (seriously a decade) ago. I was a nervous first time mom, but I was also one who had read all the books and had a plan for what she wanted. Twenty-five year old me was naive. I had a birth plan, and I was 100% sure that my child would never have a drop of formula. When my child was 3 days old the pediatrician suggested supplementing with formula because his weight had dropped. To be fair she was wrong, he had doubled his birth weight by 2 months without supplementing. I wish that doctor could see him today, she lectured me about failure to thrive, it won’t be long until said child is taller than me, his feet are already a few sizes larger. Anyway, we went home and tried to supplement with formula. That lasted a day. I was a mess, I didn’t even want to be in the same room while he had the formula. I made his dad do it. I felt like a failure. I had done so much academic research on breastfeeding, why wasn’t it working??

Fast forward a few days and everything was working great. The kid grew and thrived. He was in 2T by his first birthday. We had a few hiccups like thrush, mastitis, and all that fun but for the most part everything went as expected. When I had his younger siblings we did the same thing, but this time I told the pediatrician I had it under control and did not need their advice. Again everything went fine, yes there was some hiccups, but nothing major and we made it to the year mark without formula.

Now we’re at present day. I have to admit that I really do not want to breastfeed. Yes it is beneficial for both mom and baby, but it isn’t with its drawbacks. If you’ve ever been someone’s sole source of food you know what I’m talking about. There is constantly a clock running in your head, every time the baby cries you cringe because you know that someone is going to suggest that they are hungry which is really just a fancy way of saying “sounds like your problem, and you know you are never going to sleep until that child either sleeps through the night or drinks something else.

Honestly, at this point in my life, I couldn’t do that again. There’s just so much going on, the idea of being tied to another human for another year made me want to hyperventilate. That is one of the many reasons there is a 5 year gap between #3 and #4.

But i’ve felt this overwhelming sense of guilt with my decision. Logistically, this is the best decision. It will benefit the entire family. It will enable me to spend time with the other kids, require dad to step in and play a role he hasn’t before, and it will help cut down on my anxiety, but still there is that guilt.

I bought bottles, I talked to friends, and I explained in detail to my OB why I do not want to breastfeed or talk about it anymore. But the guilt remains.

Yesterday was a particularly hard mom day. We thought #3 might have COVID, spent the day rushing to get her tested, found out she was negative, and then attempted to virtual school 3 kids. By the time I left for school, my brain was fried. I couldn’t even listen to the radio, I was just mentally and physically drained. I got home and the boys were… hard. There was stuff to clean up, kids to put to bed, just a lot to do, not to mention I still had (have) 100+ pages of a law textbook to get through and write a paper about. As I was getting ready for bed, this question of bottles versus breastfeeding was weighing on my mind. I think because I don’t feel settled with my decision and because as things continued to spiral out of control yesterday, I tried to imagine a baby that needed constant feeding. I decided it was time to pray about it. I know that probably should have been my first action, but it wasn’t.

I said a quick prayer and then continued to get ready for bed. As I was brushing my teeth I heard someone say “Don’t take on another thing only you can do.” At first I thought one of the cats learned to talk, but they didn’t. The answer was so fast and so clear. There’s no ambiguity. Should I breastfeed this baby, nope I shouldn’t. I should let go of some things and lean into others. I need to let go of the fear that this child will be less smart than his siblings, that he will be sicker, or smaller, and just trust that this is the right choice.

So I’m going with formula. Yes, I am going to feel some guilt, but it is 100% the right choice. And for once I don’t feel like I need to second guess that decision, this is the right decision. He will be ok even though his food comes from costco and not from me.