What if we were all judged by our worst moments? Take a second and think about some of yours.

One of my worst moments happened about 7 years ago when I was potty training my oldest son. We had just moved, I had an 8 week old, and we were at IKEA getting something for the new house. He decided this was THE moment to poop in the toilet. Great… So I abandoned our cart, and we rushed to the nearest not so clean bathroom where he proceeded to touch everything. After touching as many dirty surfaces as possible he announced that he didn’t really need to go.

I was livid.

We had abandoned our cart, his little brother was hungry and there was no way I was coming back to go through this charade again, and to top it off I knew as soon as I got the kids buckled into the minivan he was going to need to go again. I told him to sit and just go.

He wouldn’t.

I got mad and told him fine and I would leave him at IKEA until he pooped. He replied that he would just call his dad and I told him he didn’t even know the phone number.

I know.

Not my finest moment as a mom or a human being.

Every time I think back to sad little brown eyes I feel terrible. Of course I wasn’t going to leave him at IKEA. But I was tired and frustrated, I was in a new place, I was adjusting to life with two kids, one of which was an infant that ate every 3 hours round the clock, I was at the store alone and I knew that bedtime, dinnertime, and all the times would be done on my own.

When I look back on that scene and think about the context of that moment I cut myself some slack. I’m still not proud of how I reacted, but instead of judging my younger self I think about how she probably needed a nap, a friend in a new place, and some time to herself to just breathe.

There are times when we judge our kids based on their worst moments. If someone heard me in the bathroom stall that day and didn’t see the infant in the carrier, the dark circles under my eyes, and had no idea what else was going on they would have thought about calling CPS. Their reaction might be to judge rather than help or empathize. Sometimes I do this with my kids.

There are days when I look at their terrible behavior and explode. There are times when I think they are demons sent from hell to torture me, and yes there are days when I tell my preteen he’s acting entitled and that I don’t enjoy being around him at that moment thank you very much. These aren’t my best days or their best days, but they happen.

A couple of years ago one of my kids had a lot of these days. Actually all three kids have had a stretch…from age 3.5-5 when most days where terrible, but the middle one was the worst. He went from being my sweet, silly, and easy going kid to screaming all day, every day.

It was horrible. Truly horrible.

He’s a mama’s boy so he insisted on ALWAYS being right next to me while screaming, hitting, yelling, or just generally acting like he’d been raised by wolves.

I would go to sleep at night dreading the next day and hide under the covers until the last possible moment.

It was that bad.

Eventually I decided that something had to change. I had tried everything with this kid and NOTHING worked. There was not a punishment, reward, or incentive that would get this kid to cooperate, and every day seemed to be getting worse.

That’s around the time I decided I had to change.

Isn’t it funny how it takes us so long to realize that change has to start with us and not with someone else?

I found myself praying to see this kid as more than a wild animal. I prayed constantly, every hour, every day that I could remember his sweet side and look past the screaming.

I’m not one of those people that likes to ask anyone for help, you might say I have to be “compelled to be humble”, you’d think I’d catch on, but no.

But here’s the thing, even though it took longer than it should have, eventually I found myself pleading for help, and help came.

It wasn’t until a few days ago, years after those sleepless and worried nights, that I recognized the answers to my frantic prayers. Apparently I’m slow on the uptake.

After a while I stopped dreading interacting with this child. I could see his bad behavior but I could also see his potential. It was like realizing the person behind the scary halloween mask is actually your friendly next door neighbor. Instead of just focusing on the near constant meltdowns, I could enjoy the short bursts of sweetness.

The other day I was reminded of his former self and instead of finding myself agreeing that that behavior was him, I was defensive. My first thought, was “he’s so good”.

If you would have told me 2 or 3 years ago that I’d ever have that thought I would have laughed through tears of frustration.

But it’s true. He is SO good.

That’s not to say we don’t have meltdowns, screaming fits, or that he listens even 50% of the time, but those aren’t the first things I think of any more.

Instead I think about how this kid is brilliant. He grasps things quickly and searches for the answers to things he doesn’t understand. He is determined to understand everything about a subject and will find answers to his own questions. He has the strongest sense of justice that I’ve every known. He is determined that things will be equitable and that promises be kept. He is fiercely loyal. He’s a mama’s boy, protector of his younger sister, and loves his grandpa wholeheartedly. He’s comfortable with himself. He doesn’t need to be liked or be popular with his peers. There are some things he likes because he likes them not because someone else told him to. He’s extremely competitive, but only with himself. He enjoys self improvement and isn’t content to be “good enough”, he wants to be his best.

This is the kid that rescued the “reject” cat because he said even ugly cats should have happy lives. This is the kid that mastered telling time to impress his teacher, and the kid that dutifully practices his piano for his grandparents so it will be perfect for his recital. This is the kid that told me his was going to “behave perfectly” for my birthday. This is the same kid that once intentionally threw up on his sister at the grocery store because I made him sit next to her in the cart. The same kid that behaved so poorly on an airplane that my dad got up and sat in another row, and the same kid that SCREAMED the phrase “you’re the worst mother EVER!!! whenever he had the chance. This same child now tells me “You’re the best mom ever!” as he gets out of the car at school and when I tuck him in at night.

I never would have known these things if I was still focused on his worst days. I would have seen him as a devil child, instead of as a kid who is learning, growing, and changing every day.

There are still days when I wonder if he is trying to drive me into an early grave, but those days are fewer and farther between. I can usually pinpoint the reason for the bad days, and I know that tomorrow has the potential to be a good day.

I wish we could go this with everyone. I wish we could see everyone for their potential, for the good inside, for the positive qualities that make them uniquely them, I wish we could push aside the bad, forget the past and assume the best in everyone.

I wish we could see the world like I see this middle child- full of promise, full of possibility, and radiating goodness even in the awful moments.

I think it’s fair to say that we can ask to see people this way and that we can actively try and push aside the negative thoughts. I’ll admit, this is HARD. It’s not one of those things that becomes second nature with practice, it’s always hard, but it’s worth it.

Really really worth it.