I’m not a good church sharer. Talking about faith and church topics is not something that comes easily to me, so bear with me as this becomes incoherent and awkward.

I’d like to think that I am one of those people who is good at looking for Christ daily, but I’m not. I’m someone that gets stuck in the minutia of life and only remembers to occasionally come up for air.

I’m working on it, but it’s a process.

I read my scriptures and look for Him, I go to church and look for Him, and I pray and look for Him, but if we are being honest, there are days when I am doing all those things because they’re on my checklist and not because I’m expecting to have a big spiritual experience.

I think this is ok.

I think we all need to start somewhere and this is my starting point.

There have been times in my life where I have seen Him more frequently than others, but I always find peace and comfort in sticking with the basics.

But then there are times when His presence, love, and power is so visible that even in my busyness I cannot help but see it and be reminded that even on the checklist days He was there walking with me.

This weekend has been one of those times and it has been refreshing.

The last two to three months have been hard. Not actually hard, but hard faith wise. At home church turned out to be a wonderful experience for our family, but we recently returned to in person church. I wasn’t one of the people that rejoiced at returning to church. We spend our time shushing kids, yelling at kids to get ready, and willing the clock to speed up. If you look over at our pew, we are all quietly (or in some cases not so quietly) seething. We come home from church and plan to do a lesson with our kids but it doesn’t go well. By the end we are all tired of each other and need a breather and there’s been more yelling or frustrated parents than there should be. This wasn’t the case during the church shut down. Our at home church experience may have been more informal than others, but the kids learned so much. We taught them at their level in a setting where they didn’t need to be dressed up or quiet. And they were excited to participate. Because they’ve gone to church every Sunday of their lives, they expected that come Sunday morning we would have church and they came ready to participate and learn. This was one of the best things that came out of COVID for us. But now we are back at church in person and Sunday is often more of a chore than a day of rest.

Dragging uncooperative children to church has been combined with a general feeling of isolation and distance from our congregation. It’s interesting to be in a position where your views on some topics differ greatly from others in a setting where you are supposed to feel unity.

It makes me feel like an imposter.

Like if they knew my thoughts on other things they might not actually want to include me, talk to me, or have me participate.

It’s hard to tell someone you are one of the people they villianize. That your views and life experience are exactly what they see as wrong and incorrect.

So that’s a long way of saying that the last few months have been a checklist more than a faith enhancing experience.

But I was reminded that keeping the faith and trying is important even when we don’t feel like we are making progress.

On Friday I had a strong prompting that I needed to reach out to a friend. I stifled this because she has a strong community surrounding her, and I am more of a perimeter person. I convinced myself that she had other friends checking in and offering more service than she could possibly handle. But the feeling just would not go away. I couldn’t finish my schoolwork, grade papers, or move on with my day, so I finally reached out.

And there was something I could do.

It was a sweet reminder that someone else saw the entire picture and knew there was a need that I could fill even when I felt inadequate.

I was reminded to just listen. Not to overanalyze or justify, but to just follow the Spirit.

On Saturday I had another sweet reminder that while we may not see Him working in our daily lives, occasionally we are given the gift of hindsight.

About a year ago I started a friendship with people I didn’t know at all. Prior to this, I knew their faces but that’s it. But over the last year we have become friends and I’ve gotten to know them better.

I thought this was just a fun experience getting to know new people but as time has gone on, I think there might be more to these friendships. I don’t think these people were selected by accident, I think that each of them has taught me something specific over the last year that I could only learn from them.

As we recently sat talking, crying, and laughing and eventually discussing the Savior, I was struck with the strong feeling that this is what the Savior’s love feels like.

It feels like being surrounded by people who unquestioningly love and support you during both your highs and your lows.

It feels like people who are willing to speak truth even when truth is hard to hear.

It feels like a safe space to share joy, sadness, and anger.

It feels like knowing if you walk in and you’re a hot mess, everyone will love you and rally behind you anyway.

If feels like knowing even at your worst there are people willing to lift and lend their strength because you have run out of your own.

It feels like wanting to be the person who lends strength, and honestly getting down and praying be guided to help someone else.

And I love that.

I love the reminder that even on the checklist days, He was in the details and knew the benefits of building these relationships. He knew that there would come a time when I reflect back and see Him walking with me through all the frustration.

These are experiences are exactly why I think the checklist days are a gift. The checklist days may be long and tedious, the big experiences or reminders may be few and spread over decades instead of days, but by completing the checklist we find ourselves slowly (ever so slowly) coming closer to the Savior. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be days when the check list doesn’t seem pointless, but it does eventually help us feel His love when when we need it most, encourages us to ask for help when we are exhausted, and it puts us in a place to lift others up. I love all these things about the checklist.