In today’s increasingly polarized world it is easy to see the “other”. It is easy to identify the people whose values, lifestyle, and outlook on life look so drastically different from your own. It is easy to look at those people and quickly, often unintentionally, and deem them wrong, misinformed, or “bad”. While the road to accepting the other is uphill and filled with craters and pitfalls, I think accepting those whose lives look so drastically different than your own is easier than accepting those within our own circles who somehow deviate from the norm we have identified as correct.

If you’ve never been to middle school this may seem like a foreign concept, but stay with me for a moment. Do you remember middle school, I do, all three awkward braces filled years. In middle school, it was so easy to identify things about people within your own social circle who just didn’t quite fit the model you were hoping for in a friend. I think the sad reality is that we were worried that their “otherness” might reflect negatively on us and somehow by association we would have been exiled from the lunch table. In case I haven’t said it before, middle school is a harsh place. I think identifying and then punishing people in our own groups for their differences harmed our little acne filled groups, while at the same time  breeding a general feeling of malcontent that was used to take out our frustrations and insecurities on those that we deemed different from ourselves both inside and outside of our groups. 

I’m going to make a crazy jump and say that the behavior of identifying and then subtly shunning the other from our social circles didn’t end with middle school. I think we continue to do that in our adult lives. I think we find the things that we are insecure about and project it on other people. I think we use these things to make ourselves feel better. We may not look quite as much at someone’s clothing (though if you think adult women aren’t judging each other’s fashion choices you are sorely mistaken), but we do look at her address, what she chooses to fill her time with, her job, what books she reads and shows she watches, her education, her political affiliation, her martial status, how she interacts with her kids, whether or not she has kids, what she eats, etc. and make judgements based on that. We look at people and assign motive to their actions without ever asking questions, learning the full story, or assuming that most people are inherently good. 

2020 has been a strange year for me, not really because of COVID, but because I found myself increasingly in new social situations surrounded by people with drastically different life experiences from my own. I was no longer primarily surrounded by educated, married, suburban women, ages 25- 55, with children,  but instead I was surrounded by people with a variety of different life experiences than my own. Can I tell you a secret… the diverse group was easier for me than the homogenous group. 

The easier part is probably a result of my own insecurities. I don’t feel like I quite fit into my social circle group. On paper I do. I have a sweet minivan, husband, three kids, a college degree, and a house in the suburbs, but there is something that just doesn’t quite fit right with that group. I’m trying to figure out what it is, so far I haven’t figured it out, but maybe some day. It’s a little bit like being someone who accidentally stumbled into a party that people are too nice to tell you leave. But there is something about that group that worries me, it’s like I have a secret that they’re going to discover and then revoke my minivan. But the group that was different… well we went into those situations with the understanding that I didn’t fit in, that I was different, and instead of focusing on whether or not I fit the image; personality, ability, and a hard work were considered. It no longer mattered if I lived in the right neighborhood, signed my kids up for the right activities, attended the right social gatherings, or had the same political affiliation, what mattered was that I had something to contribute and add to the conversation. 

I know it’s crazy, but this was freeing. There is a certain sense of freedom that comes from knowing that you have to prove your abilities rather than making adjustments to fit expectations. 

I recently read a book where one of the main characters is a member of group until a secret is revealed. Upon this revelation, the group publicly shuns him, but in the end he doesn’t care. He sees the shunning as freeing, once they truly remove him from the group he is free to go off and learn to be who he really is. I loved that concept, the concept of learning to be who you are and not who someone thinks you need to be. 

So here’s my thought. 2020 has been a sucky year for everyone. I’m not sure there’s really a way around admitting that. Instead of finding the “otherness” within our own groups and identifying them as bad, what if we find this otherness and embrace it? What if we learn from each other, what if we use the differences to build something that is stronger and better because we have a variety of talents, experiences, and thoughts? What if we stop identifying our insecurities in others in an effort to make ourselves feel more important and just learn from one another, show kindness, and serve? What if instead of vilifying the people that make mistakes or are hypocritical, we show love, kindness, and compassion? What if we make the assumption that race, address, marital status, political affiliation, and sexual orientation are not everything that makes up a person? What if we assume that differences of opinion are ok, and that for society to function correctly we need a plurality of thought? What if we take that country song to heart that “most people are good?”

I think if we did that, we might learn from each other. We might become friends with people we never would have spoken to in the first place. We might have stronger communities and social groups. We might find ourselves reaching out to people who we would have avoided. We might find that people we thought were “like us” now feel free to express their true opinions and that their differences are both refreshing and enlightening. We might find that accepting others gives us the chance to accept ourselves, imperfections and all.