I’m the first to admit that I’m a control freak.

I am.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be in control.

I like to be in charge, I trust myself, I know I will follow through

I like to believe that I can practice, logic, or push through most problems.

This is usually true. 

I can usually read enough, try hard enough, or come up with a solution to solve my problem.

But not always, sometimes I hit a brick wall.

For the past few years I’ve had one problem that can’t be solved by sheer willpower.

I’ve tried everything.

I’ve read, practiced, studied, prayed, and even fasted (and since I hate skipping meals this is huge).

But the brick wall has held firm.

I’ve lost sleep, I’ve stressed about it, I’ve gone over scenarios in my head.

I’ve slightly altered my approach with the hope that one slight alteration at a time will show me what I’m doing wrong.

But no luck.

For someone that really likes being in control, this is a hard pill to swallow.

But I’ve come to a conclusion, I’ve done all I can do. I’ve tried and failed, made minor improvements yes, but ultimately failed.

So now I have to hand it over to God.

I’ve packaged the issue nicely and attempted to hand it over, but I’ll admit I’m like a child letting a sibling borrow a favorite toy- my hand is still on the package, I’m hovering, and I haven’t completely let go.

The logical part of my brain says I’ve done what I can do and that it’s time to accept help, but the control freak side is screaming “Maybe there is something I haven’t tried!”

While I fully admit that “handing it over” is a process, and one that is going slowly, there is something freeing about admitting that you need help from God.

There is something freeing about acknowledging a higher power wants to help with my somewhat trivial issue.

So I’m handing it over, it’s going slowly, but it’s going. Handing it over is the one thing I haven’t tried, maybe this is the solution I’ve been searching for. The resolution might not come quickly, or be what I hoped, but I’ve done what I can do and that’s enough.