The other night I had one of those moments of clarity that is both terrifying and freeing at the same time.

My friend mentioned that she thought she had a bit of social anxiety, and I’ll admit I laughed it off- she’s lovely, I can’t imagine her with social anxiety… BUT then she described her social anxiety… and it was like she was inside my head.

So I’ll admit it, I’m Ashley and I have a touch of social anxiety. 

It’s not like I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag when I see people or anything.

I have friends, and I love to spend time with them friends, but there are some social situations that I just hate, and that despite my best efforts, I just cannot comfortably navigate these social situations.

I’m not one to go up to a big group of people and insert myself into the conversation. I’m just not that person.

I’m not one of those girls or women that bares their soul to a group of strangers… that will NEVER happen for me.

I hate being the center of attention, and inserting myself into those situations goes against every fiber of my being.

I hate hate hate hate hate dancing, my nightmares are full of dance parties… Gosh I’m glad high school is over.

I’m not one that loves pranks, being silly, or acting like I’m 16… cause I’m 32 and not 16 and I’m cool with that. Let’s be honest, I was old when I was young too, but I find those things even less enjoyable now.

I don’t know what to say or do in these situations. I don’t know how to stand, where to jump in, or how to show people that I am actually awesome.

I’m not someone that thinks they have nothing to offer the conversation or even someone that has low self esteem. I like to think that I have a very realistic picture of myself. I am awesome at some things, but terrible at others… Like dance parties and sharing feelings with strangers.

I replay these awkward situations in my mind after the fact (yep social anxiety right there), and just can’t believe I am so awkward. Why can’t I just dance? Why don’t I laugh and talk about my love for overalls?

As my daughter would say, “because”. That’s why, “because”.

I just want to yell, I am a great person! I know things! I have things to add to the conversation! But I cannot just jump in.

Or even more I want to just step beyond these terrible situations. Can’t we find ourselves out to lunch with a small group, rather than singing karaoke with 30 people?

So I’m Ashley and I have social anxiety,  If you see me in a social situation and I’m weird, don’t hold it against me. I promise that when the dance music is over and the soul sharing is done, that I am actually a lovely (and less awkward) person. This weirdly silent side of me is just one (small) aspect of an otherwise sparkling personality. I’m sarcastic, controlling, and a great planner. I like to cook and bake, and I am happy to share my baked goods with you. I’m well informed on the news, read, and love to try new crafty (pinterest fail) projects. Seriously, if you can get passed the weird silence and refusal to stand with the group, I’m actually much less strange.

Too much?

Oh well.

It’s always great to have an a moment of clarity, followed by a moment (or two) of acceptance.