Every time I hear the phrase “self care” I want to punch someone (I guess I want to punch people a lot). There are times when self care sounds a lot like ditching out on responsibilities in favor of engaging in fun activities, and other times when self care sounds like yet another thing I am failing at.

As time has gone on (and some of my anger towards the phrase has subsided), I’ve come to understand that self care is more than just putting aside the to do list.

Self care is engaging in an activity that excites you, builds you up, and helps you perform your daily duties even better.

I feel some degree of guilt when I engage in self care activities. I feel like I should be doing something productive, like I should be with my kids, prepping for the day, working, or spending time with my husband.

Most nights I put aside these “fun” activities in favor of checking things off my to do list. Most of the time this is fine, things need to get done, but sometimes taking a few minutes for a fun activity is what you need to be a better wife, mother, and friend.

I grew up in the 90’s, “self care” wasn’t something my mom and her friends talked much about. I was convinced that all they did was “mom”, and that they were ok with that. As a teenager this was discouraging, I thought in order to be a good mother I had to lose myself.

While I have lost part of myself in motherhood, I haven’t lost it all. The concept that to be a good wife and mother, you must give up all your interests simply isn’t true.

I had one friend growing up who’s mom had hobbies and interests outside of her kids. She almost always had a book in her hand or was working on some type of project. These activities seemed to provide her with a sense of accomplishment and enjoyment. She could have done more for the PTA, packed themed lunches,and scrubbed the bathroom a little bit more, but why? Her kids seemed happy and well adjusted, and she provided them with a wonderful example of a mother that kept a piece of her identity even while in the depths of childrearing.

I am trying to carve out time for self. With three under six, the time is limited, but I’m learning to incorporate my interests into daily life.

I’m trying to be more efficient , prioritize chores, and consider which activities can be combined with my interests (ex. audiobooks and cooking are a perfect combination).

I’m learning to look for those little moments for self, and accepting that this isn’t the season of life with hours of free time.

I’m carrying a book in the car, letting the laundry pile up, and multitasking, and you know what? It’s awesome.

I want my kids to see me as more than the person that makes awesome peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and obsessively cleans the floor.

I want them to see me as a complete person. Someone with her own interests and passions. I want them to look back and laugh as my crafty mishaps, my obsession with making homemade (read ghetto) halloween costumes, and all the times I made them listen to an audiobook just because I wanted to learn about the topic.

I want them to see that grown ups need friends and hobbies too, that everyone needs time to themselves, and that sometimes it is ok to put the to do list aside in favor of fun.

It’s a slow process, and a fine balance, but learning and growing is just part of life and I’m loving the journey.