First off, the answer to that question is clearly a big fat no.

I can’t control my children.

It’s not that I haven’t tried, it’s just that there are some situations where I really fail miserably.

My kids are big, and by big I mean that Harry Potter and I wear the same socks, he is going to be 6 this summer so let’s just admit that I’m raising giants.

They’re big, and they’re verbal so people tend to think they are older than they actually are.

This can be great, but it can lead to awkward situations.

For example Harry Potter is about the size of an eight year old, except he’s five… so he behaves like he’s five. This means that occasionally he has an epic meltdown in public, it’s great, and by great I mean not. When this happens I try to calmly tell him his behavior is inappropriate and remove him from the situation.

The reality is that I drag him off, or tell him to “SHHH!!!!!!”, neither strategy is that effective.

But when these meltdowns happen I inevitably get looks and comments about controlling my children. I’m not brave enough to snap back (though trust me I am getting there). If I did have the guts to snap back I’d say this:

Please shut up.

Your comments aren’t improving the situation.

Asking if I can control my children when they are screaming is like kicking someone when they’re down.

I KNOW THEY AREN’T BEHAVING CORRECTLY!

What I really want to do is drag the little monster away and hide.

Having a kid throw a fit in public is humiliating, it’s like standing in front of a class and realizing that you forgot to wear pants… except it’s not a dream, and it is MUCH louder.

Instead of whispering to your friend, glaring at me, or making some irritating “tut tut” noise that clearly indicates I am a bad mother, just advert your eyes.

Take the mother approach “not my kid, not my problem”, just enjoy your blissful fit free time, and stop judging me.

Please don’t try and talk to my kid when they’re having a fit, your well meaning comments and advice let him know he has an audience and increases the volume.

The best option is for you to walk in the other direction and pretend like you never saw us.

Maybe I should just print these out on cards and hand them out when my kid has a fit…