Have you ever been to the pool with young children?

You spend 90% of your time trying to keep the kids from dying.

Basically you’re taking the kids to a giant death trap and telling them to go for it.

When you’re not rescuing someone, your time is spent applying and reapplying sunscreen, tracking down the pool toys that got sucked into the filter or thrown into the deep end, and distributing snacks.

There is NOTHING relaxing about taking your kids to the pool.  And you are supposed to do all of this is a tiny and non functional swimsuit.

I suddenly understand why my mom had “swim capris”.

Why aren’t there a plethora of functional swimsuits out there?

I have to be honest, at this point I am not looking for something that makes me look awesome, I just want something that covers everything it needs to cover and doesn’t cost me my first born child.

I’m not looking for Baywatch beautiful, but wouldn’t it be great if there was a happy medium between burkini and Baywatch?

I have the following requirements when purchasing a swimsuit:

1. I must be able to bend over. All that “momming” requires serious bending.  Cleavage is not attractive when you’re in mom mode, it’s just a huge sign for kids to put something down your shirt. The swim top must come up high enough so that they can’t stick their little peanut butter covered hands down there and deposit anything (like a half chewed fruit snack or a dead frog). The bottoms must cover butt cheeks when you bend over, seriously no one wants to see your butt cheeks… ever.
2. I must be able to save a life without worrying that my swimsuit is going to come off. Remember what I said about going to the pool not being relaxing, no one has time to worry about diving in to save a life and their swimsuit coming off.
3. I must be able to pee quickly. You know you thought this too but didn’t want to admit it. As a mom you have very little time to use the bathroom, you have even less time to do it at the pool. You know what slows that process down- a one piece, no one has time for that.

All I can say is good luck this summer ladies. We are all going to need it.