Over the past five years I have had a lot of conversations I never thought I would have.

For example, this afternoon I tucked my three year old (AsthmaMan) into bed, read him a story, and told him sweet dreams and then proceeded down the stairs.

By the time I reached the laundry room at the bottom of the stairs (maybe 35 seconds later if I walked really slow) he was screaming HYSTERICALLY.

I ran back up to find him COVERED in throw up.

And by covered I mean everything around him was covered.

I had to peel off the vomit covered clothes and sheets and rush him to the shower.

When he calmed down (because let’s be honest if you had produced that much vomit in that short of a time period you would be hysterical too) he told me that he threw up because he ate a pancake that he found in his bed.

I had to take a step back, I can’t actually remember the last time I made pancakes… so I don’t know where the pancake came from or how long it had been up there.

I checked, it was a pancake, and it looked innocuous enough, but that started a conversation that went like this:

Me: Please don’t eat pancakes you find in your bed.

AsthmaMan: Why?

Me: Because you will throw up.

AsthmaMan: What about other stuff I find in my bed?

Me: What other “stuff” have you found in your bed?

AsthmaMan: Other stuff

Me: New family rule, do not eat ANYTHING you find in your bed. Throw it in the trash or tell a parent, but do NOT eat it.

To be honest I kinda thought this was implied, I mean why would you eat a random pancake you found in your bed?

And seriously what else is he hiding in there?

I stripped the vomit covered bed and found no evidence of other food hiding in there, but our conversation leads me to believe this might not be the first go round with sketchy food items.

This isn’t the weirdest conversation I’ve had with my kids, actually this one is pretty tame.

We have had conversations about sticking their heads in the toilet, picking scabs off other people (thank goodness this was just related to a sibling), jumping off the kitchen island, sticking random things up their noses, why we don’t eat sand, why we don’t pick up poop.

We’ve talked about how Thor and Darth Vader are brothers and best friends that live in a tinker toys house with their mom, Shellington.

How if you were to stack all the legos in the house on top of each other you could reach the moon.

How eating anything green might result in your sudden and painful death, you name a topic and we have covered it.

I used to think parents were making this stuff up, but no, we are far too tired to have that kind of imagination.

I also used to mistakenly think that logic applied to conversations with kids… no… yeah no.